There's something that happens to me when I return to my homeland every year. Actually, there are a few things that happen to me. I feel safer, more relaxed and weirdly enough, more confident. I don't find myself being as overwhelmed as I sometimes do in my US home. I think it's a combination of being nearer to my family and friends I have known deeply for 15-20 years, being near the ocean, eating healthy food, having easy access to healthcare, getting paid well to perform, breathing clean air and waking to the sounds of birds that I have known my whole life.
I have felt my confidence wain a lot over the last few years. Repeatedly having to explain to people why I can't do every show for free, why I need to charge something, anything, for the craft I have been working on for 25 years, something I 'should' just be passionate about (as if being passionate about my art would just magically pay my rent without them having to pay me). Feeling the stress in my chest when I sense the need to have that conversation and either justify why I should be paid or be willing to walk away from the job without even bothering to have the conversation. This experience has worn me down. Worn me to the point that sometimes I barely want to play music.
Applying for a mortgage last year was also a pretty demoralizing experience. Having people look through my finances and look at me with a puzzled 'you're kidding, right?' look on their face. For the 14 years that I have lived in the USA I have paid my bills on time and built a great credit score, saved my money and put together a deposit, paid twice as much in rent as I would have on a mortgage and was still told that it wasn't good enough. I think I'm still getting over that. I hear the voices of critics and fear-filled people who have lived their lives safely, whispering in my ear speaking of failures and futures and I have allowed them more real estate than I should have. Now I am trying to undo that and relocate them and their beliefs back to their own land.
Being near this ocean brings me home. To myself, to my dreams. Brings healing and wipes off the energy of beliefs that aren't my own. Diving into it is like being in the arms of the most powerful healer I know. It cleans me and prepares me for another 'go' around. Until my life and my world bring my family and I to the place where this can be a daily occurrence and not a yearly one.
When that day comes this will just be a swim....in a glorious ocean.
XxM
