Our time in Australia is going fast and almost every night we look at each other and lament on that fact. Time just goes too fast and I try to remember that when I'm being whiny about something...like the moment of rain we had the other day or the fact that my mum just asked me to stop and buy her some mentos, for the 300th time in the last 5 minutes, before she has to go back to 'her prison' (the old folks home she lives in...and hates). In those moments I try really hard to remind myself that I won't see her again till the end of the year or, realistically, perhaps this will be the last time I see her and so what if she forgot she asked me 299 other times.
I have a lot of stuff swirling in my head this morning. My mum, my family, my country...and missing all three. I have only just found out that for the last 10 years when I have been submitting tax returns in the US because I figured, that's where I live and mostly work these days, that I should have been submitting them here in Australia too. I haven't earned a lot of money in Australia in that time (and I've declared that money in the US) but you know, we have free healthcare and a retirement system that mostly works, and I don't want to lose access to that. Of course, that whole realization takes me on this mind fuck that generally runs along the line of 'you've spent your entire adult life making music, creating art, you have nothing financially to show for it and now your choices have fucked you up'.
Trust me...I know the world has lost too many artists because of the fear of having 'nothing' and I understand that my life is extremely rich because of the choices I have made to do what's in my heart.
But right now, I am having a moment of adult overwhelm. I am scared to lose my Medicare card because in some strange way it ties me to my Australian-ness. It's my safety net living in a country with overpriced healthcare. I'm scared that having to find an accountant to help me take care of 10 years of tiny tax returns is going to cost me more money than I have and leave me with more debt that I don't want or need.
And, In this very moment laying in my car bed, I'm tired of being an under paid artist.
If you don't know me I will tell you that I'm not irresponsible with money. I don't earn a lot of it and I need to make it stretch, so I am mindful of where I put it. 98% of my clothing comes from thrift stores, I play the same guitar on stage that I have for 15 years, I could probably tell you right now where the cheapest petrol is in every city we've been in, I try get home to Australia once a year for a working visit so I can see my family and try to work as much as I can to help pay for stuff while we are here and I'm mindful of how I spend. Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I'm very thrifty.
But, I also have an innate fear of 'getting into trouble' that I attribute to being born by two parents who were on the run from the police at the time..terrified they were going to get caught (for an actual wrongdoing with money). So that fear pops it's head up in times like this.
My sweet wife would look at me right now and put her hand on my face and whisper 'it's going to be alright'.
I know she's right.
I know things get sorted out and that we have a beautiful amazing life filled with deep, wonderful love and friends and family and we have never not had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, all the important things are covered. I won't die hanging onto stuff, nor would I want to. I want to leave this world with a smile of my face knowing that I loved and was loved well. I don't want to spend my time with my family, my very precious few weeks a year, worrying about stuff that will get taken care of.
And hell, how many other under paid artists, or well paid any things, get to look at this view...
Breathing now....
No comments:
Post a Comment